Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Blizzard

I ate a Blizzard today. It was Oreo Cheesequake.
Daisy has been ripping open trash bags and strewing the contents about the apartment. Sadly, these are kitchen trash bags, that often hold pieces of rotten chicken and such. This makes the apartment very smelly.
I learned several things about Darbie yesterday. 1.) She spent five years in foster care. 2.) Her parents aren't supposed to see her ever. 3.) Her cousin was murdered on Sunday.
I baked some chocolate lava muffins for Anna last night (sorry Joel, you're missing out).
I'm utilizing the shiatsu massage thing right now.
Anna had piano lessons today.
I had to help George open his mail box today. He kept trying to stick his key the wrong way into the lock.
George's glasses are always so dirty that it's a wonder to me that he can see at all.
Gray.
We stopped by the in-laws' place after Anna's lesson. Daisy played with Hank. Lucy pouted.
The lawn care guy mowed today. It's amazing how much a freshly mowed lawn makes it feel a whole lot more like Spring than a lawn of equal greenness but unequal height.
I realized something yesterday. Spring in Indiana coincides with the calendar saying that it is now spring. This is not true in Colorado or Michigan. It won't really be spring there for another month. I'm not used to seeing flowers and green grass so early.
Out of curiosity, I looked at the forecast for Colorado Springs. 70 degrees tomorrow. Snow Friday.
Howie is sleeping on the futon again. Chief is again sleeping under it.
Daisy has taken to eating our kitchen rug.
I need a magic refrigerator by this desk that can never be emptied of AriZona Pomegranate Green Tea. Go. Invent this for me. Now.
The "experts" are predicting too many good things for the Rockies this year. This makes me nervous.
Our shower drain is badly clogged, and no amount of Liquid Plumber seems to be doing any good. I need to find a drain snake or something.
My hip feels like it needs to pop.
Tea is calling my name.
Today Anna told me, "you're stupid. Put on your pants." I felt like a retarded ten year old.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Ambulance and Police Car

Daisy shredded a roll of toilet paper on our bathroom floor today.
Howie is sleeping on the futon. Chief is sleeping under the futon.
George called 911 on Thursday because he thought someone had taken money out of his bank account. The operator couldn't understand him and sent an ambulance. It took the EMTs ten minutes to figure out that George was fine and wanted the police. I don't think George realized that they weren't the police. About ten minutes after the ambulance left, a police cruiser pulled up. They talked to George for quite a while, but I have no idea how much of what he said they understood.
After church, I made chicken tacos for Anna's parents. I marinated the chicken over night, and I thought the chicken itself turned out pretty well. The problem is, after eating Chipotle, everything just seems flat without some good rice and beans mixed in.
Blue.
Anna and I took Taylor (one of the church kids) to see "Alice in Wonderland" on Saturday. Taylor has been living in an apartment just up the street from us, and Anna figured we should do something with her since she was so close. The Columbus movie theater is not equipped to show movies in 3D, so we didn't get to experience the movie to the full effect. It look cool, but overall, my reaction was just "meh." It wasn't awful, but it certainly wasn't great. It wasn't paced very well.
Troy Tulowitzki is tearing it up with the bat during Spring Training. This is encouraging, but when I hear things like this, I always feel a little sick to my stomach. I just worry more that something will go wrong when the games start to matter.
I re-stocked on AriZona Pomegranate Green Tea yesterday, and I was going to bring a bottle in here to enjoy while I wrote to you, my faithful minions. Alas, I forgot to grab one. No one has ever led a more horrible life. I am a modern day Job.
I started coughing earlier, and it felt like my head exploded. I honestly thought I had blown some vessels in my forehead or had an aneurysm. The thing is, I'm not even exaggerating about this. It hurt, and my head still feels funny.
I took Daisy outside to potty. We've been leaving her out at night but still putting her up when we have to leave the apartment.
I learned this week that the reason Darbie lives with her grandmother is that her mother is in prison. Darbie didn't elaborate much, but it seems that her mother has been in prison much of Darbie's life.
The top of my right foot itches.
People who read this blog: Beverly Hills, California
We had a random visitor from Beverly Hills. I hope this person reads this blog, takes pity on me, and sends me millions of the dollars they obviously have if they live in Beverly Hills.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Lock-in

Anna is cheating on me with a six-year old boy.
On Thursday, Abby's music class went to see the Indianapolis symphony, and she asked Anna to come along as a chaperon. Anna seemed to really enjoy it.
Anna substituted on Friday. I think she had a good day.
Friday night was the lock-in. 29 kids came. It was a fiasco.
We built a fire out behind the church and let the kids play around outside until it got dark. Once it got dark, we roasted hot dogs and made s'mores.
After we were done eating, we all headed inside and the games commenced. We had the kids play things like flashlight hide and seek, sardines (reverse hide and seek), and underwear races (the kids climbed into triple extra large tighty whiteys back to back). The kids really enjoyed the hide and seek games. I think they enjoyed the underwear races, but I think we had more fun watching them.
For one of the games, the kids dipped marshmallows into syrup and tried to drop them into the open mouths of some of the adults. The thought of it makes me feel nauseous. For another game, we covered Oreos in whipped cream and had the kids try to eat them as fast as they could without using their hands.
There was one girl there that was absolutely obnoxious. When Anna would ask the kids to stop talking and listen, this girl would say things like "I'm not talking." When Anna was trying to give kids a chance to hide during hide and seek, this girl kept trying to go early. She talked back at every turn and did pretty much everything she could to disrupt what Anna had planned.
This girl, combined with the sheer number of kids, proved slightly overwhelming. As a result, we cut out a few games and activities and started showing movies earlier than we had first planned.
After the first movie was done, several kids decided they would rather keep playing games on their own than watch movies or sleep. So they headed downstairs and started playing around, while the rest kept watching movies.
Several of the kids asked if I would spin the Twister dial for them. While I was doing that a bunch of kids rushed into the basement, including a very proud looking Cade. The kids announced that Cade had kissed Anna. Cade confirmed this. Everyone wanted to know what I was going to do to her for cheating on me. I just started laughing.
Cade had fallen asleep pretty early in the night, but at some point, somebody woke him up. Upon waking up, he announced to Anna that he was about ready for breakfast. It was two in the morning. I don't know if this was before or after he kissed her.
By three or so in the morning, most all of the kids had gone to bed except for a group of four girls. They stayed up until close to five. Noah woke up during this period and walked around like a zombie for awhile.
Once all the kids were asleep, Anna and I sat in the sanctuary and watched movies. We knew we couldn't go to sleep because there were teenage girls and boys present.
At eight we started making breakfast. I fixed some pancakes. I don't know how many of the kids ate breakfast.
By ten, the kids were all gone.
By eleven, we had the church pretty well cleaned up, and Anna and I headed back home.
I slept from noon until 7:30. Anna was asleep for another hour after I woke up. We went to bed again at our usual bedtime, and I actually slept pretty well. On Sunday I was actually surprised how decent I felt.

In other news, Anna's guinea pig, Edith, died today. She lived a good long guinea pig life. I buried her with Anna's other pig, Edna. Anna is very sad.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Joel came to town

On Friday night, Project 86 was in Franklin with Flatfoot 56 and Wavorly. Naturally, I went. Ironsides was the local opener. They were fine. Wavorly was fine. Flatfoot 56 was crazy. Their band is comprised of the typical guitar, bass, and drums, plus the not-so-typical mandolin and bagpipes. The bagpiper even wore a kilt. They got the crowd moshing and convinced them to do a rather impressive circle pit. I was entertained.
Project 86 was excellent as always. They played another very different set than any that I had heard last year. "S.M.C." "Chimes" "Me Against Me" "Last Meal" and "One Armed Man (Play On)" all made it onto the set list after years in absence. This show also marked the first time I ever saw Project 86 without them playing "Stein's Theme." I was sure they were saving it for the encore, but five solid minutes of shouting "one more song" did not bring them back on stage. As it was, they played a thirteen song set. All of it was spectacular.
Anna had lunch with her friend Melissa on Saturday.
While Anna was having lunch with Melissa, I was meeting Joel in the parking lot at Wal-Mart. Originally, Joel was supposed to drive himself down, but events conspired so that he ended up riding down with his mother and sister (who were heading on to Louisville to see his aunt).
I introduced Joel to our apartment. I made hot wings. Joel met the animals. He seemed to be a big fan of Chief. Daisy seemed to be a big fan of Joel.
Joel agreed to go to Cincinnati with me to see Project 86 on Saturday night. The venue is called The Underground (not particularly original). I had never been there before and was very pleasantly surprised. On approach, I realized it was one of those venues that grew out of some mega-church wanting to build the biggest most impressively awesome youth center it could. Thus, though I am sure I would hate the church that built the place, I was thoroughly impressed by the place itself. It had two levels, complete with a coffee bar, a video game room, computers for internet access, clean bathrooms, pool tables, several video screens, and an excellent stage and sound system. It made for a great venue for a rock concert.
This was Joel's first true rock show. I think he enjoyed himself alright. He was probably amused by my antics up by the stage during Project's set.
For the opening acts, I stood in back with Joel, but for Project, I made my way up to the front of the stage. As I said, the sound was really good and helped make for an excellent show. At one point, Andrew knelt in front of me, looked me in the eye, and gave my shoulder a squeeze, and I thought to myself, "Self, when you write about this in your blog, it is going to sound so incredibly gay."
After the show, I said hi to Andrew. At this point, he certainly knows me by sight, and he mentioned the "nice little moment" we shared during the show. He also asked me how many shows this made for me. "Twelve," I said. "You're still an amateur," he replied. Don't worry. He was kidding.
Joel, Anna, and I all spent the weekend at Anna's parents' house. It just allowed Joel to have a room to himself, where there wouldn't be animals all over him. Though the whole no animal theory didn't hold strictly true, seeing as Hank drug Joel's toothbrush around the house and tried to eat his medication.
On Saturday, I got tricked into to teaching teenage Sunday School. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but there is this family that had been going to Brown's Corner. The father taught the teenage Sunday School. When Anna's dad became the pastor, he started leaving church after Sunday School so that his family wouldn't sit under a non-Baptist's preaching. He informed Anna's father that God hadn't told him that he could leave the church yet but that he couldn't let his family listen to Anna's father preach. Apparently this past week, God finally told him that he could leave the church.
Now I am teaching Sunday school. It's alright I guess. Anna will do the children's church stuff, and I'll do teenage Sunday School.
On Sunday morning, I had my class (which is pretty much just two girls) give me ideas for what they wanted to learn. I'll try to make the class as awful as possible for them.
Joel, Anna, and I spent most of Sunday just hanging out.
On Monday, we felt it necessary to right a wrong. Joel had never had Chick-fil-a. We fed him Chick-fil-a. His reaction was two-fold. He was very grateful for experiencing it, and he was very sad that there are none near him in Michigan. He particularly enjoyed his char-grilled sandwich.
Joel had to meet his mother at five Monday night, so that he could go down to Louisville and see his aunt as well. By the time we got back to Anna's house from Chick-fil-a, we really needed to be hitting the road again to go meet Joel's mother, but I wanted Joel to have one last new experience before he left. So I got out my handgun and introduced Joel to the wonders of firearms. Joel actually proved to be a decent shot for his first time. Due to the time constrains, he only got to shoot a couple clip-fulls, but he did manage to hit the target several times.
When we got in the car to go meet Joel's mother, Anna was convinced we would be ten or fifteen minutes late. But I will have you know that we pulled off the interstate at our exit at 5:01 p.m. And in fact, the map we had used to decide where to meet had lied about there being an A&W at that exit, so Joel's mother went off in the wrong direction looking for the missing restaurant, and thus, we ended up having to call her and tell her where we were.
I should mention this. While Joel was transferring his bags from our car to his mother's, his aunt found it necessary to start showing Anna all the shoes she had just purchased while shopping. I have no idea why. I also inferred from some comments made by Joel's mother that the part of Joel becoming a lawyer that makes her the most pleased is how good he looks in suits.
People who read this blog: Person from Russia
Someone from Russia has visited our blog several times. I don't know how they are finding it. As far as I can tell, they aren't googling anything. I really don't know. So this is a shout out to my mysterious Russian reader. You know who you are. How's mother Russia treating you? Give Putin a kick in the balls for me.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

New Slave

I have a new slave. Her name is Darbie. She is named after her father. Her father is Big Darbie, and she is Little Darbie.
The exterminator came today and sprayed the apartments.
Daisy is getting better at holding it.
I burned my arm the other day. I had forgotten about it, but it just started to itch. Now that I look at it, I have a pretty good mark going on.
Anna is playing the piano. She signed up to take piano lessons again with the woman who first started teaching Anna when she was just a wee little tyke.
Joel is apparently a ninja-lawyer. This does not surprise me.
Joel is also apparently coming down to see us this weekend while he is on spring break from law school.
I get to see Project 86 Friday and Saturday night. I think Joel is coming with me on Saturday night. He might even like it. One of the opening bands is of the celtic-punk persuasion, which seems right up his alley.
The Restart guy brought Darbie by for the first time yesterday. She's fourteen. She was expelled for beating up another girl. She likes dancing. She wants to be a pediatrician.
Blue.
I folded four loads of laundry while listening to Project 86. Anna laughed at my head-banging.
Mike didn't come by to pay his rent today. I saw him late tonight. I'm guessing he'll be by tomorrow.
The month of March is just a long waiting game until April finally arrives with the glories of the MLB regular season.
People who read this blog: Person who Google blog searched "Anna and Jon"
Some random Pennsylvanian did a Google blog search of "Anna and Jon." I can only suppose that they are a retarded female. Why would anyone think "Anna and Jon" was a specific enough search to get any meaningful results?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

200th post

The sad thing about this being the 200th post is that I'm now realizing had I spent all this time writing fiction I'd pretty much have a novel by now.
The head of the Restart program came by yesterday to inform me that he would probably be moving Jerry to the afternoon class. He said he was having chemistry issues in the classes and needed to make some changes. He informed me I'd likely be getting a new slave next week. I think he said this one might be a girl. I'd feel really bad bossing a girl around.
I felt bad for George today. Rent was due yesterday, but he hadn't paid yet. When I asked him about it, he tried to pay in cash. I told him once again (this has happened a few times) that I can only take checks or money orders. I said it would be alright as long as he managed to get me a money order tomorrow. I guess he found a ride today though because he came into my office about an hour later with his money order. Except he reversed two of the numbers on the money order, so he was $18 short. "Oh, @#$%," was his response as he drooled all over my desk. I just asked him if he had twenty bucks, which he did. So I took it, gave him his change, and will just deposit the cash and the money order at the same time. The biggest thing is that I have a money order I can photocopy for our records.
Bonnie is officially giving up her apartment. She is going to stay in Florida with her daughter and receive her cancer treatment there.
One of Bonnie's daughters had been "house-sitting" for her mother (and by "house-sitting" of course I mean "squatting"). I was assured that the apartment would be vacated and cleaned three weeks ago. It wasn't. I called the daughter in Florida (with whom I had been dealing), and I informed her that it wasn't vacated. She assured me that it should have been and that anything left there was from some unknown vagrant. I didn't really believe this, but all I could do was clean out the apartment myself. She also told me that she had no idea where the keys to the apartment were.
I went into the apartment on Monday to have a look around before I sent Jerry in to start working on emptying it out. It's a good thing I did because in the bathroom, I found my first copy of Penthouse, all wrinkled and crusty and gross. I didn't want to touch the thing, but not only would it have been wrong for me to have Jerry be the one to get rid of it, it would have been illegal. After I got rid of the magazine, I examined the rest of the apartment to make sure there were no more surprises waiting for Jerry. Together, we ended up hauling out almost a dumpster full of garbage. The stuff was already in bags, but it would seem that once they bagged up the garbage they were just storing it in the closet.
The kicker of all of this is that on Tuesday Jerry and I went back into haul out the furniture that had been left behind, only to find that everything else was gone, and someone had left the keys on the kitchen counter.
I made "chocolate lava muffins" tonight. They were pretty chocolaty, even if they weren't particularly lava-ey. I don't know if they turned out the way they were supposed to or not, since I had never actually had them and was just going by a recipe. Anna liked them though.
Anna found a recipe for a banana milk drink the other day. She thought it looked good. I thought it sounded like the most disgusting thing ever. I made her some. She liked it. I was grateful I didn't have to try any.
Spring Training brings joy to my soul. Everyone seems to think the Rockies will be contenders this year. I prefer to start the season assuming that they will suck and waiting to be proven wrong.
My brother has an eye infection that hurts enough for the doctors to prescribe him vicodin. This seems very much like overkill to me. Are doctors prescription happy or what?
To keep Daisy from chewing up our shoes, Anna and I have been scattering handfuls of rawhide strips at a time around the apartment. She goes crazy if she doesn't have those things. I think I might have to start investing in whatever company makes them. I have a feeling we are going to spend a fortune on those things before all is said and done.
Blue boxers.
There are certain things that go wrong around the apartment that make me feel stupid when I can't fix them then call someone in to fix them and see how easy it really was. Yesterday is a perfect example. Bobbie's kitchen sink (garbage disposal side) was clogged. I tested the garbage disposal and could tell it worked. I poured a whole bunch of drain cleaner done the drain, but that did absolutely nothing. The drain didn't drain at all. Everything just sat there. I got out a plunger and tried to plunge it. Nothing. So I called the plumber. When he came, he looked at the problem and said, "this will be easy." He then asked for a plunger. I gave him the plunger. He turned on the garbage disposal and plunged. It cleared right up. How was I to know that having the disposal on while I plunged would help?
Beulah was in the office to pay her rent the other day, and she asked "How's your wife?" I replied, "Well, she's got a pretty bad cold." "That's good."

Saturday, February 27, 2010

199

My mom decided that it would be a good idea to have surgery without letting me know until the last minute. I think she's alright though.
Howie and Chief were fighting and squalling like...well...cats earlier.
Anna's cold has gotten really nasty. I doubt she is going to church tomorrow.
I just finished making dirt pudding for tomorrow's children's church.
I have so much snot right now, but so far it has remained clear and not green and gross. I just don't want to end up with a sinus infection.
I am highly disappointed in the performance of the U.S. at these Olympics. I see no reason why we should not have won the gold medal in every event, and in those events where we could have multiple entrants, I see no reason why we shouldn't have won every medal available.
I have certain rules when it comes to rooting for Olympic athletes. The first rule is that I always root for the U.S. first (Unless it's the U.S. men's basketball team. I hope they die.). I will never root for the Russians, Chinese, Japanese, or Koreans. I will only root for Canadians if they have a really really really good sob story (i.e. I rooted for Joannie Rochette but no other Canadian). If there is an instance of any of those countries battling against each other, I do not choose favorites. Instead, I pray that they all wipe out spectacularly. In the case of U.S. verse U.S., I tend to root for anyone from Colorado and then the mountain states and then the red states and at last resort, the blue states. If all else fails, I root for the biggest underdog.
I really am going to miss the Olympics when they are done. It feels very much like the day after Christmas.
One of the girls from church had a science fair on Friday. She wanted Anna and me to come see it. We went. She made some sort of crazy goo thing. She won first prize.
I need to shower before I head off to bed.
Dirt pudding calls for gummi worms. I love gummie worms. Hopefully, I can stay away from them long enough for the kids to have enough to make their pudding cups.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Colds

I think Anna and I are both coming down with colds.
Anna's birthday was Saturday. I gave her a birthday card about an old guy picking his nose.
Daisy ate one of Anna's flip-flops, one of my dress shoes, and one of Anna's boots. She's been a bad dog.
I saw Living Sacrifice on Wednesday night. They were very good. War of Ages was good. Everyone else ranged from just mediocre to downright awful.
For Anna's birthday, we picked up some ice cream from Cold Stone and had pizza with her parents.
On Sunday morning, we had the kids make sand-art animals. We were terrified that it would make a big mess, so we bribed them into cleaning it all up when they were done.
I got a new cell phone. It's a HTC Droid Eris.
Snot keeps pouring out of my left nostril.
I had to fix Mike's toilet on Friday. The flap-valve wasn't sealing and water constantly ran out of the tank and into the bowl. As a result, every few minutes the tank level would lower enough that the tank would have to refill. This meant that Mike was hearing the toilet filling all night long. It only took me about fifteen minutes to fix his toilet, though ten of that was spent trying to adjust the new valve seal so it was in exactly the right spot.
Katie came to the office right at closing time today and told me that her toilet was producing black water. I held my breath as I entered her apartment to examine her toilet. I flushed it a couple times. I looked in the tank. All I could see was that her toilet bowl was incredibly dirty.
I'm watching this ice dancing stuff. This is one of those sports about which I must profess complete ignorance. I just don't know how one pair can be compared against any other if they aren't performing the exact same dance to the exact same music.
I think it's funny when the commentators for the Olympics talk about the work ethic of the various Asian competitors. Call me racist, but aren't they executed if they don't win gold? It's common knowledge that the Chinese essentially kidnap all their athletes as young children and hold them captive while they train for competition.
This British ice dancing pair is skating to a remix of "Crawling" by Linkin Park. Do you find that out of place?
"George's wife was a good Christian woman. If she saw what he was doing, she'd roll over in her gra... wait, she was cremated, wasn't she?" Bobbie said that to Mildred the other day. I think it's hilarious.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Mardi Gras

I told Anna yesterday that it was starting to look like Grand Rapids outside. Usually I don't have a problem with snow, but I'm getting sick of having to clear it off the sidewalks every day so the old people can go do whatever stuff old people do.
The snow was bad enough on Monday that Anna's dad actually stayed home from work. It seems like it was probably a wise choice because it would seem that everyone else in that area ended up wrecked or stuck.
I've been watching the Olympics whenever I get the opportunity. Since I only get to see most of the sports once every four years, I don't really know that much about them, and I am occasionally surprised by certain elements. For example, I had no idea that ski jumping required judges to give "style" points. Why on earth would ski jumping need style points? Isn't the whole point just to see who can jump the farthest?
I don't know how to feel about certain sports. There are elements that I find really exciting, but they also seem equally frustrating. Short track speed skating and snowboard cross are perfect examples. Did anyone watch Ohno and that other U.S. guy win silver and bronze in the first short track distance? If you did, you know that the only reason they medaled was because one of the Koreans in front of them took out one of his own teammates. How would you feel if you won a medal only because someone fell and took out another person on his way down? Snowboard cross is very similar. It just depresses me that it's so easy for the results to be determined by someone getting in another person's way.
Anyone else think Dick Button just seems like a cranky old man?
There are certain sports that I cannot watch at all. In the Olympics (Summer and Winter), those sports include hockey and tennis. I can watch curling, badminton, or whatever. But hockey and tennis bore the pants off of me. The thing is, even I don't really know why I can't stand hockey. It seems like the perfect man sport. It's fast and violent. Teeth get knocked out and blood gets spilled. And I can't watch more than a minute of it without falling asleep.
Our furnace quit yesterday. The repairman came today and fixed it. Daisy hid in her bed while he was here. She didn't even come out after he left.
Living Sacrifice is in Indy tomorrow. I hope the roads are decent enough to travel.
Have a merry third day of the week dedicated to consuming everything tasty before you start depriving yourself of everything tasty for the next several weeks.
I am going to be honest here for a second and say that whenever I hear about people giving up things for Lent the first thought that pops into my head is "sucka!"
I guess this means that tomorrow everyone will be walking around Calvin's campus with a cross of ash on his or her forehead. I never pay attention to Lent or Ash Wednesday, so it always threw me off when the first person walked into class with a dirty forehead.
Having the Olympics in Canada means we have to keep hearing all this insufferable propaganda from celebrities about how great Canada is. As someone so succinctly tweeted, "Finding out a celebrity is Canadian is like finding out your girlfriend used to be a dude." I was thinking it was more along the lines of finding out you are adopted, but that works too.
Anyone else think it's strange that the men's and women's luge starting points are different? I, for example, understand having a women's tee in golf because most women simply can't hit the ball as far. So what are you trying to say? Women can't slide down a hill as far? I'm pretty sure gravity keeps working, regardless of gender.
I realize this is disgusting, and if you are easily disgusted, skip over to the next paragraph. Tonight, my farts smell like tacos. There's a distinctly cumin aroma.
The ignitor blew out on our furnace. The repairman showed me the old one, and I guess it's just like a giant toaster coil, designed to ignite the gas in the furnace. Apparently, they last five to seven years. This means that I am about to have a whole wave of furnace failures.
People who read this blog: Colorado Springsians
There are two people who keep reading this blog from Colorado Springs (well, one shows up as being from Fountain, but if you know the area then you know it's essentially Colorado Springs). I'm not sure who these people are, though I'm guessing I do actually know them. I don't think they are family members because Kirsten is allergic to technology, Christopher is allergic to caring about anything, and my parents (hopefully) don't know this blog exists. Mostly, I'm just can't really think of anyone still in the Springs who cares enough about my life to make the effort to see what I'm up doing. Identify yourselves, you creepers you. Show me your hands. Now get out of the car and lie face down on the ground. Hands behind your back. Do it now. (You really did it didn't you?)

Friday, February 12, 2010

Everywhere We Look

Jerry didn't come today. School wasn't cancelled. I'm guessing they were making the kids make up for the work they missed the previous couple days.
We've taken to shutting the cats up in the second bedroom at night. Ever since we got back from Florida, they have been going crazy on our bedroom door while we are trying to sleep. It's unsettling to wake up in the middle of the night to a banging on your bedroom door.
I love the Olympics. I love seeing the look on a person's face when they realize they have just won a gold medal. I especially appreciate seeing those people who win gold in a sport where there is only one chance at gold, as opposed to the sports where athletes can compete in multiple distances.
I like the Winter Olympics just because they are the Olympics. I definitely love the Summer Olympics more. Regardless, I will be watching as much Olympic coverage as possible.
Anna likes Curling. I'll DVR it for her.
I'm glad the Olympics are coming because it gives me two weeks of something to care about between football season and baseball season.
Daisy has been extra hyper today.
The kids are going to make Valentine's Day cookies on Saturday and then hand them out after church on Sunday. Hopefully we don't poison anyone we like.
There's a Circle K convenience store down the street from the apartments. I go there occasionally to get a drink. I swear I am the only person who ever goes in there for any reason other than to buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. I don't go into this particular Circle K at night. If I need to go to one, I drive another five minutes farther to a much cleaner and more well-lighted store (yes, for you literary nerds, that was a Hemingway reference).
James' daughter came in today all giddy acting. We had the usual "Hi, how are you today?" exchange (she's typically very ho-hum and subdued). This time she said, "I'm good. I'm really good." Apparently, her boyfriend had just sent her a text asking her to be his Valentine.
I haven't decided yet whether or not to ask anyone to be my Valentine.
My left ear-canal itches, but I'm wearing headphones and don't have any sharp pointy objects at hand. I guess it will keep itching. No one has ever suffered this much and lived.
I've never eaten duck.
I had to go to the Post Office today to pick up a package. I went. I picked up the package. I came home.
Anyone else excited for the Olympics? What's your favorite Winter Olympic event?
Anna's playing the piano behind me. She's cute and talented.
Now the top of my head itches.
Sexy burnt orange spandexy things.
People who read this blog: Mysterious Romanian Visitor
Someone visited the blog from Romania. I don't know how he or she found it. I don't know if he or she can even read English. If he or she can, I probably just confirmed in his or her mind everything he or she ever thought about Americans.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Winter Storm Warning

We're supposed to get four to eight inches of snow over the next couple days. This means that school will probably be cancelled. School being cancelled means that Anna won't be substituting for the next couple days. This is actually a good thing because it will give her a chance for her shoulder to heal.
I need a shower.
Anna hurt her shoulder swimming last summer. Now whenever she gets stressed, apparently she tenses up really tight, and this causes her shoulder to hurt a great deal.
Anna got stressed on Friday because she was substituting for a class of insane seventh graders who didn't have anything to do and spent the whole time doing what they shouldn't do.
There were fifteen kids in Children's Church on Sunday morning. We had a project planned that involved making stuffed octopuses (yes, that is the correct way to pluralize "octopus") and whales for each of the kids. Fortunately, we always planned for 15 in case something crazy happened. So we had enough stuff, but we didn't have enough time. Some kids will be finishing their critters this coming Sunday.
Anna and I went to the Ark Christian Store today to find some posters to decorate the church basement. Anna actually found two really funny posters summarizing the Old and New Testaments. I happened to find a copy of the new Living Sacrifice album. This surprised me greatly since I couldn't find a single store (Best Buy, Target, Wal-Mart, Family Christian) that even listed the record as existing on its website.
Jerry wrecked on a moped over the weekend. He was trying to tell me how he busted open his ribs. I think by "busted open" he meant "scratched a little." By the way, Jerry also says "aks," and it drives me nuts.
Chief just pooped. It was terrible. Every time these cats poop, I ask myself, "what am I feeding these things?" It turns out the answer is "food." So from now on, I will stop feeding them "food." That should clear up the problem within a few days.
Living Sacrifice will be in Indy in a week and a half. Project 86 will be in Franklin and Cincinnati in March. Maylene & The Sons of Disaster will be in Indy soon as well. Sweet.
I hope Anna's shoulder feels better soon. The pain keeps migrating. I think she makes adjustments in how she holds her arm because of the pain, and that causes other muscles to hurt.
I'm not particularly looking forward to this snow. I used to not care whether it snowed or not, but now I have to clear the sidewalks so the old people don't fall and break their butts.
Katie came by today and said that someone came into her apartment and stole half a package of hot dogs out of her freezer. I don't know whether to believe her or not. A couple weeks ago, she came in accusing Alice of stealing something else equally unlikely out of her apartment, though I can't remember what it was.
I might take a shower before this last load of laundry finishes in the dryer.
Sweet dreams, faithful readers.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Dis Be De Title For De Post

"Liberate Te Ex Inferis" is just an incredible album. It's Zao at their prime. Sadly, it's also eleven years old. Why was nearly all the best music made 9-13 years ago?
The door buzzer rang in our apartment not too long ago. I answered and said, "Hello?" I heard "Keep pushing. Push another one. Oh, S*%t. Hello? Push again." I'm fairly certain it was Beulah. She never replied. She just kept pushing buttons until someone buzzed her in.
Jerry wasn't here yesterday. He had to meet with somebody to discuss something. I'm not quite sure who it was or what they were discussing. But whomever it was was not there.
I'm not wearing underwear.
Janet was in the office the other day telling me how much she hated one of George's floozies. I asked her where George finds them, but she didn't know. She did say that one of them was telling George how another "gentleman" offered her $2000 for an hour, but she couldn't stand him long enough to make the money. I just couldn't picture how disgusting this fellow must be if she couldn't stand him, but she can stand George.
Keeping with George's floozies, I saw a new one today. She came about the time I was leaving. I'd say she was roughly my age, and as I walked by George's door, I overheard her saying, "Baby, I've got $20, but I need sixty more. Please. We need to hurry." I just kept walking.
Daisy shredded half a roll of toilet paper on the bathroom floor. When I say half, I mean half. This wasn't like Chief unrolling a roll and shredding it. Daisy attacked this roll like a bone and shredded one side of the thing.
There's a new Living Sacrifice album out. I don't have it yet. I wish I had it. I don't have it because I didn't realize it wasn't going to be in any stores. I hate paying to download MP3s, and I was counting on at least being able to find it in Best Buy. Alas, I am now waiting for it to be delivered from Amazon.
Project 86 announced their March tour dates. They are hitting Franklin, IN and Cincinnati on consecutive evenings. I will be at both. I'm trying to convince Anna to come to at least one.
In other concert news, Living Sacrifice will be in Indianapolis in two weeks. I will be at that one as well.
We gave Daisy a bath today. She knew we were going to give her a bath, and when we called her she ran into her cage and wouldn't come out. I had to drag her out, but she fought so hard that I ended up dragging her cage. Interestingly enough when I did get her into the bathroom, she jumped into the tub of her own accord.
I might get a new pair of headphones soon. I've had this pair since I was a freshman at Calvin. My ears have actually worn holes through the foam padding on the ear pads. The problem is, I got these headphones for $20, and I haven't heard a pair costing lest than fifty that sound as good (in fact I was just looking at reviews, and this set is on a list of the best inexpensive headphones).
I am a little hungry. I would love to gorge myself on Chinese food. Instead, I think I'll settle for writing more meaningless drivel for you fine folks.
Life is depressing when you don't take naps.
I need to trim my toenails. I bought myself my own pair of nail clippers because we had something like three pairs and had lost all but Anna's own pair, and I didn't want to lose hers. But I lost my new pair, and I've been putting off using Anna's.
Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Don't forget your woman, or she might eat your soul.
James fell down yesterday not long after I was finished in the office. His daughter couldn't get him up, so she came to my door and asked if I could help. I laughed in her face and told her to go away (of course I helped). I don't know how long he was on the floor. I don't think he was hurt. I just think he is unable to pick himself off the ground.
People who read this blog: That power plant where we saw the manatees
I won't mention them by name because apparently they have set up the same thing as the Children's Museum. So now I have random power plant employees reading this blog. You know what though, I wonder if they have it set up as a safety and security device? If anyone on the internet were to threaten the plant by name, the plant would know about it. Clever. If you are reading this, I promise to not blow anything up.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Jerry

On Friday I received a call from the guy in charge the Restart Program (as in, the guy who sent Daulton over here). He had another student in need of some work. I said that I would take him, so he brought Jerry by later that day.
Jerry is thirteen. He is black. He looks much older than fifteen year old Daulton. He was expelled for being "a class clown" (those are Jerry's words). I don't know exactly what he did. So far he has been very quiet, though I did learn today that he is afraid of shower curtains.
James' daughter approached me yesterday, while I was clearing the sidewalks of snow, and she asked if I had heard about the drama. She informed me that Bobbie had been saying stuff that had Beulah in tears. I ended up hearing three different versions of this event, so I will give them in order.
The first account I heard was of course from James' daughter. She informed me that Bobbie had been accusing Beulah of being incapable of cleaning up after herself and that she should be in a nursing home. Apparently, she kept going on about being a "good Christian woman" who keeps her apartment nice and tidy. Apparently all of this was enough to have Beulah sobbing.
Bobbie came by the office yesterday and started recounting to me what must have been the same event. According to Bobbie, an elder from her church was over there visiting her, and while they were talking, Beulah came out and started cussing. Bobbie and her elder asked her to go back to her apartment. Then Bobbie went off on one of her unrelated tangents about people that I'm not entirely sure exist.
I saw Beulah early this morning. She still had tears in her eyes. She told me that Bobbie was saying mean stuff to her and telling her that she was the one leaving the front door propped open all the time. I told her that my best advice was to avoid Bobbie.
George's nurse, whose name happens to be Janet (which is confusing because there is a Janet who lives here), stopped by my office yesterday. I noted that it was 1:25 when she sat down (this is significant). She starts telling me how she loves days where she sees a certain bicycle outside the apartments because on those days she knows that George has a certain floozy over and will just sent Janet home. She then announces that she might go surprise her son at school, and that absolutely sets her off. I hear all about how she @#%$ing hates her son's school and the administration and how they all think she is crazy. I hear all about how he got detention a week into kindergarten and how he has now gotten a detention just two days into the semester as a second grader. I learn that his name is Norman and am shocked that anyone still names kids that. I hear all about this over and over again, and when she finally leaves, the clock reads 2:15.
I smell funny.
Anna and I saw a guy the other day that looked exactly like Charles Manson. What made it even creepier is that I happened to be in a waiting room at the time that contained a TV tuned the History Channel, which at the time happened to be talking about cults and showing pictures of Charles Manson. So coincidence afforded me a side by side comparison, and aside from the absense of a swastika on the forehead, they were identical.
People who read this blog: Person Google blog searching "baseball, underwear"
This Indianapolis resident is fascinating to me. Not only did they search "baseball, underwear," but they did it in blog search. They specifically wanted to find blogs talking about this. Somehow I can't picture this being a girl, but I am creeped out by the thought of a guy searching this. Either they had some specific event in mind, or they are just really creepy. I also find this fascinating because no one cares about baseball in Indiana. Maybe this guy just likes baseball players with tight butts. At least he wasn't searching "baseball, tight butt" or "baseball, pants on the ground."

Sunday, January 24, 2010

So there we were...

"My pee tastes funny today"
That pretty much sums up the awesomeness of our trip to Florida. Now get ready for a long boring account of what we did.
We left Thursday morning. We wanted to avoid having a stressful trip down, so we made sure we took our time. We decided to go slightly out of the way and visit the Smoky Mountain Knifeworks in Sevierville, Tennessee. I got a new pocket knife. Anna got a dulcimer (it was her birthday present from me). According to the accompanying information sheet, Anna's dulcimer was hand made by Dolly Parton's sister-in-law.
We spent the night in a motel in Georgia.
Friday, we arrived in Bradenton sometime around five in the afternoon. Jon and Sara were there to meet us (Jon arrived on Wednesday I believe and spent Thursday and Friday exploring Bradenton on Sara's brand new girly bike). Kevin was still working. Sara gave us a tour of the house. They have a nice house. Most of the floors are hardwood. We got to meet Mia. Anna and Jon were fascinated by the orange tree in Sara's backyard. The oranges looked really ugly post-freeze. Anna and Jon decided to sample them anyway. They didn't taste too bad. When Kevin got home, we had a dinner of pulled pork. Kevin introduced us to some of his favorite hot sauces. He had one called Pain Is Good: Garlic Style Hot Sauce. It had quite the kick. We all tried it. We all felt the burn. We played The Game of Things that night. We laughed ourselves silly. We came up with some good catch phrases. It was a good day.
On Saturday morning, Sara was invited to a special get together. So while she ate fancy breakfast and got a pedicure, Jon, Anna, and I went exploring. Jon took us to one of the places he discovered before we arrived: the DeSoto Memorial. It was this little park type place on the edge of the Manatee River. It was one of those places designed to make white people feel bad about what European explorers did hundreds of years ago to the Native Americans. There were plaques with quotes about the horrendous Christians and life size cut-outs of the same three actors, dressed as indians, being pulled around by chains. We pretty much ignored all the educational stuff and instead focused on exploring the edge of the river. There were dead fish everywhere. We found a giant avocado and argued about whether or not it was actually an avocado.
Saturday afternoon, Sara took us to the beach. Anna and Sara got attacked by squirrels. We walked around the beach. We found some pretty shells. Sara told us about all the drive by shootings that happen on the beach. Saturday evening was alumni night at our hosts' high school. We decided that before we went to the game we would introduce Jon to the wonders of Chipotle. After we were through, he agreed with Kevin and I that Chipotle has more flavor than Qdoba. There was an alumni boys basketball game before the boys game. We were all disappointed that there wasn't an alumni girls game because we wanted to see Sara play. Sara's team ended up winning their game, and I was surprised when after the game Anna said that it was the most exciting high school game she'd seen. As soon as we got back to Sara's house, we started watching the Colts/Ravens game. Because we knew the game would start before we got back, Kevin Tivoed the game, so we started from the beginning and by the fourth quarter, we were able to catch up to live action and finished the game live.
On Sunday afternoon, we all went to Robinson's nature preserve. It was here that we determined that Jon was now Ranger Jon, seeing as he knew everything there was to know about birds and wildlife and salt marshes and life. The preserve was pretty sweet all around. There were probably three miles of trails that we walked, plus a really cool observation tower. We especially enjoyed seeing a bald eagle. There were vultures everywhere, picking at all the dead fish that still littered all the shoreline. After the preserve, we stopped by Kevin's parents' house to pick up some dinner. After that, we went to Publix to get supplies so that I could make a cheesecake. Apparently, Floridians like their Publix. It was fine. It has a cool name, I guess. We watched the Chargers/Jets game and then I made the cheesecake.
Kevin had to work Monday, but Sara had the day off. We really wanted to see manatees so after some internet searching, we discovered that the Tampa Electric company had an observation platform that was supposed to be good. We drove up there, and sure enough, there were at least 150 manatees enjoying the warm water runoff from the power-plant. There was also a canal walk that took us away from the manatees but also happened to take us toward a section of water full of rays and sharks that enjoyed jumping out of the water. Anna and Jon got some pictures of sharks jumping, and we some some big rays jumping, though we didn't get any pictures of them. It was actually a surprisingly cool place to visit. On the way back, Sara and Jon got ghetto rocking out to "Gangsta's Paradise." Sara took us to this place called Starfish Co. for lunch. It was just this little dockside restaurant attached to a fish market, covered in signs asking customers what the hurry was and urging them to be patient. We waited patiently for our food. It was good. Jon had mullet because according to the menu it's the fish that "put Cortez on the map." Anna had crab cakes. I had clam strips. Sara had a grouper sandwich. I think we all enjoyed our food. We then went to a local music store so Anna could find some good sheet music. I helped Kevin and Sara make white chili for dinner. We ate cheesecake for dessert. We played The Game of Things again. We laughed more. We came up with more catch phrases. I think we all had a good time.
Jon's flight left Tuesday afternoon, and Sara had to work Tuesday morning. Anna and I asked Jon what he wanted to do. We all agreed we wanted to go back to the preserve, and we wouldn't mind going to the beach. We went to the beach early so that Anna could try to find a sand dollar. All told, we found eight sand dollars and some cool shells. Then we went to the preserve, but we didn't see any eagles that time. We did spend quite a bit of time watching fish swim through the waters of the preserve. It was a nice relaxing visit. When we got back to Sara's house, we just waited for her to come home while Jon did some laundry. When Sara came back, we all piled in the car and drove Jon to the airport. It was kind of sad.
Tuesday night, Anna and I offered to take Kevin and Sara out to dinner as a thanks for letting us come visit. They suggested a place called Firehouse Subs. I guess it's a chain, though I had never heard of it (and a quick look tells me there is only one in the state of Indiana). They had really good subs and a whole array of hot sauces to try. We had fun tasting the different sauces with our subs and deciding which were our favorites. We all agreed that one particular sauce called Gator Hammock was amazing. After dinner, I started doing some laundry at their house. When I went into the garage (the location of their washer and dryer) to check on the laundry, I discovered to my horror that a can of paint that had been on top of the washer was now spilled across the floor. I think I terrified Kevin when I came inside and said that I had made a mess with some paint in their garage. I assured them that I didn't think I had directly knocked over the paint, but I thought it was caused by the vibrations of the washer. Fortunately, Kevin kept his cool, and we went out to examine the damage. As it turns out, there wasn't much. Kevin apparently picture paint splattered across the hood of his car. In reality, the paint just landed on a plastic mat in front of the washer, and the spill was confined to that small area. We just moved the mat out of the way so that the paint could dry and called it good. The thought of all of that still kind of horrifies me though.
On Wednesday morning, we said goodbye to Sara and Kevin, who both had to work, and we started packing up. We then went to the beach one last time so that Anna could get a little bit of sand to bring back home. On our way out of town, we stopped at Sara's bank and sent her a map, through the depository vacuum shoot, directing her to where to find their house key (which we had used to lock up when we left). In return, she supplied us with "Safe-T Pops" (you know, the classic lolly-pops from the bank with the loops instead of the sticks). We then drove all day. We stayed at a hotel in Tennessee that night.
On Thursday, we got up and drove to the Bass Pro Shops in Sevierville. We looked around awhile. We relaxed a bit. We drove through rain most of the way after that. We got back home that night. We picked up Daisy. We slept. We avoided unpacking.
I guess these words really don't capture the trip, but Anna and I both agree that it was one of the best trips ever. So, this is a shout out to you, Sara: Thanks for an awesome time. And this is is a shout out to you, Jon: Thanks for reaffirming my belief that if I were to ever be on Cash Cab, I'd want you in there with me.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

That One Place

We're going to that one place tomorrow. You know that place, the one with the people and the guys and the girls and the stuff. Yeah, that's the one.
I have a new boss. The company re-organized the regional managers. I don't think anything bad happened to Pam. I think she just got re-assigned. My new boss came by today. Her name is Robin. I don't know how old she is. She told me she was in her early thirties. I think she looks at least forty. I learned from her that someone has actually been calling the Salvation Army's divisional headquarters complaining about me and how I run this place. Among her complaints were that I didn't clear the sidewalks and that there were roaches. Both of these were news to me because I do indeed clear and salt the sidewalks. It is also readily apparent to everyone here that pest control comes once a month to spray, and at that time, we ask if anyone has seen any bugs. No one has claimed to see anything more significant than a spider. If there are roaches, I will gladly call the exterminator for more severe action. I think Robin saw that I was genuinely baffled.
The bug guy came today. He sprayed the apartments. We didn't hear about any roaches.
Daisy is at the in-laws' while we are gone to that one place.
Howie and Chief are going to hang out here and guard the apartment.
Robin also has a dog named Daisy.
Robin has twin three-year olds.
We're taking Anna's mother's car to that one place because it is new and hopefully more trustworthy than the Exploder.
Blue.
We've been cleaning the apartment so that it's clean when we get back.
I have no idea when we will leave tomorrow because I don't yet know how far we are planning on going.
The ten day forecast for that place is calling for high sixties to low seventies. I need to bring shorts.
If you're lucky, Anna might post some pictures of that place when we come home.
If you aren't lucky, Anna will post some pictures of my butt when we come home.
There's not much worse in life than inhaling kitty litter dust.
I made a cheesecake the other night. I made whipped cream to go with it. It's a wickedly good combination. There are a couple pieces left. Anna and I need to finish them before we leave.
Anna's mother is going to teach the children's church lesson on Sunday. It's going to be on day three of creation (land and plants). Anna found some tiny little seed planting kits for these tiny little strawberries. The kids are each going to get to plant their own.
You wish Anna had taught your children's church.
It just occurred to me that Anna and I had a really nice cooler in which we could have taken drinks and such on our trip. But I don't actually know for sure where this cooler is. Anna's sister might have it.
"Now we lie awake/with shut eyes/so to forever forget this." Some albums are just transcendent.
I don't know what I am right now.
People who read our blog: Some person from England.
Somebody from England found our blog by searching '"my contact lenses" OR "my contacts" OR "my glasses" OR "my spectacles" site:blogspot.com.' Yeah, I have no idea what they were trying to accomplish. They must be insane. All people in England must be insane. They drink tea. That can't be healthy. They drink tea and eat candy. They also don't care about their teeth. And that have that weird "stiff uppper lip" disease (that must make for some awkward kissing). Can you think of any other crazy generalizations about the snobby British? I did once see a poll conducted on Brits, asking for things that made them British. Apparently, a penchant for standing in lines is the only thing you need to be British. Insane, I tell you. Insane.