The Death of the Pea Fairy

Once upon a time there was a kitten. This kitten was a remarkably adorable little kitten. She was a female kitten. This female kitten grew terribly vain as a result of her great physical beauty. People would come from miles around just to fawn over her cuteness.

One day the evil communists, who ran on a platform of "hope" and "change," decided it was time to bring some of that change and dropped a nuclear bomb right on the kitten's home. Naturally the kitten survived due to her nine lives, though the bomb did manage to take eight of them along with her great beauty. The force of the explosion combined with the shrapnel and radiation from the bomb turned the kitten into an hideous monstrosity of nature. Everywhere she roamed people ran from her in fright. Children cried in her presence, and even crazy cat ladies quivered in fear. She grew despondent.

The kitten roamed the streets seeking someone to love her, but no one could abide her company. The kitten became bitter. Her little heart filled with hate at the thought of all those people who came to look upon her only for her beauty and now ran in fright at the sight of her disfigured form.

On one particularly awful day, the kitten was digging through a pile of trash, hoping for a meal, when she discovered a photograph of her before the bomb. Someone had taken the photograph as a memento of a visit to the famously cute kitten. The kitten looked at this photograph and saw how beautiful she really had been. Sorrow sprang up in her anew and she cried a great kitten-sized tear.
As everyone knows, the kitten crying a kitten-sized tear was the key to communicating with the fairy appointers. An emergency meeting of the Board of Important Fairies was held to consider the kittens case. They decided that since what she missed was beauty, beauty was what she should give to the world. So they made the kitten the Beauty Fairy.

Then kitten awoke, in shock, to find herself transformed into the Beauty Fairy. Unfortunately it didn't take long for the Important Fairies to realize they had made a grave mistake. The kitten was so bitter from the loss of her beauty that she refused to bestow beauty on anyone else.
The Board of Important Fairies called the kitten before them to discuss what to do. They told her that as the Beauty Fairy it was her obligation to bestow beauty. She argued that the world didn't need beauty, but the Board countered, explaining to the kitten how fear of the cold caused the last Beauty Fairy to complete avoid certain parts of the Earth (most notably, Russia). Crushed, the kitten pleaded to be given a different fairyship. She knew the world needed beauty, or else the result would be communism. The problem was, she still couldn't bear to be the one to provide that beauty. She begged for a new position. The Board explained to her that unfortunately the only open position was that of Pea Fairy. They told her that the last Pea Fairy had offed herself when she realized everyone hated peas. The kitten was delighted. She hated the world so much, she wanted to spread her hate in some meaningful way.

The kitten spent many years as the Pea Fairy. She found deep delight in bringing so much unpleasantness to a world that had turned its back on her. Until one day, a duckling came along who liked peas. The kitten couldn't believe her eyes. The duckling liked her peas and was grateful for them. She couldn't stand it, and once she was convinced the duckling would never cease to like peas, she new she had to kill herself.

It took her several tries. At first she tried to jump off tall buildings, but she was never able to overcome her cat reflexes and always landed on her feet. Finally she did make an end of it, running across the interstate during rush hour.

The kitten was gone, and no one mourned her loss except for one little duckling.