History According to Daulton

I learned some stuff today. I would like to share this stuff with you.
Context: Yet another clue in yet another crossword puzzle. This one wanted the name of the person to surrender in 1865.
I figured that, even if Daulton can't pull this out of thin air, he must know the answer, and I can lead him to it. So I started by asking what war ended in 1865. I learned that the Vietnam war ended in 1865. When I expressed my doubts about this, I learned that WWII, WWI, and the American Revolution all ended in 1865. I happen to know that Daulton's grandfather was a Vietnam vet. So I asked Daulton how old he was when he died. Daulton didn't know. I reminded Daulton that 1865 was 144 years ago. Daulton quickly realized that his grandfather could not have been that old, but his response was not what I expected. Instead of deciding that 1865 did not mark the conclusion of the Vietnam war, he wanted to know what war his grandfather had fought in if it wasn't Vietnam. I decided it was time for a different approach. I asked Daulton who was the president in 1865. I learned that Obama, Bush, and Washington were all the president at that time. I pressed him a little more and finally elicited the name of what was apparently the only other president Daulton had ever heard of: Lincoln. So I asked Daulton what war might have been fought during Lincoln's presidency. Apparently Lincoln fought Hitler in WWI because Hitler wanted to kill the "negroes." It would seem that Abraham Lincoln also went by another name, "Lincoln Appleseed" because he chopped down an apple tree once, and he had wooden dentures. I explained to Daulton that I had always heard that George Washington had cut down the apple tree and had wooden teeth and that Johnny Appleseed had gone around planting apple trees, but of course, I admitted I could be wrong. I also figured I'd better let Daulton know that WWII, not WWI, was the one involving Hitler, and he wanted to kill the Jews. Daulton's response: Are you a Jew? When he found out I wasn't, he decided it was a good thing to kill all the Jews, except Jesus. I tried then to return Daulton to Lincoln and his war. I realized I wasn't getting anywhere, so I just told Daulton it was the Civil War. Daulton's reponse was essentially, "I heard of that once." I asked if he knew who it involved. Apparently the Civil War was about killing Indians. I couldn't take it anymore. I figured I'd just start telling Daulton what happened to see if there was any sort of recognition. Did he know anything about the North against the South? No. Did he know anything about secession? No. But he did know about one thing. He knew about slavery. He in fact is an expert on slavery. I had started to explain how the South had been mad at Lincoln about his abolishionist views, and Daulton quickly corrected me on my flawed perception of history. Did you know that people don't own people? Did you know that slaves were just voluntary workers? Did you know that slaves got paid to work in the fields? Did you know that, even though they were voluntary workers, they still ran away sometimes and that made it okay for the white people to beat those "boys?" I was incredulous. I asked Daulton more about this. He insisted that white people never owned black people. He knew this because his brother told him. He said his teacher had told him he was wrong, but he argued with him because his brother has told him all about it. And his brother is of course right due to his being older and bigger and cooler than Daulton. I never knew these things.
I know you guys think Daulton is kidding, but he's not. He's serious. He really believes this stuff. I remind you. He's fifteen, and he really believes this.
Jana, I came up with another reason there weren't as many births in August, as may have been expected. Who would have been celebrating Obama's election? Democrats. What do Democrats do? Murder babies. I'll bet a whole bunch of them got pregnant just so they could sacrifice their babies to Obama's name, but we don't hear about it because of the liberals that run the mainstream media.
And Jana, this doesn't even include the homosexual factor.
I went to Wal-Mart tonight. There was a boat/car in the parking lot. My lack of camera, plus the darkness, made it sadly impossible to take a picture for you, my faithful readers.
Happy birthday, Jana. We left you a voicemail, but apparently, you were too busy doing Democratic things to answer.
The playoffs start tomorrow. 11 wins. Oh, please, Oh, please. Give me 11 wins.
People who read this blog: Jo(h)n
John insists his name is spelled "Jon," but I know better. John likes rocks. He likes them a little too much. Perhaps that's why he's a geology major, working on his master's degree? John lived across the hall from the famed D10 apartment. Thus we got to know each other via our common D10 acquantainces. John is one of the nicest guys on earth. We still can't figure out why he was living with a womanizer like Bob and a Nazi like Mike. John likes cats. John likes the Yankees (the guy can't be perfect). Anna has a rock collection that John is dying to see. John once describe himself thusly, "I am a cranky, corrupt, busy, stereotyped, shy, sexy, radical, masculine, intelligent, frightening, creepy, idiotic, filthy, elitist, easy, distinguished, dirty, delightful, dead person." I think that sums John up pretty well.